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...I am irresponsible. How terrible. But let's do the happier thing of posting more fic chapters instead.

Out of Order


Kanda never figured out how he managed to get over his one-dimensionality, but having feelings for Lavi are screwing him over. What sucks the most? Lavi think Kanda’s crush on him is pretty funny. Crack-tastic but written to be in-character. Promise. GRAPHIC sometimes. Be careful.

INSTRUCTIONS: If you’re coming into this with the series completely done, the chapters can be read in ANY ORDER, so skip around at your leisure. They do have a real chronology, (indicated by numbers on top) but it doesn’t matter in the least.


Kanda is a few months into this thing and Lavi is about a week into being completely healed from Kanda losing his mind and cracking one of his ribs over it . (Miranda nearly collapsed from fright when she found Lavi in a puddle outside her room, sheepishly requesting she not inform the infirmary. )

Kanda being in love with him is proving to be more troublesome than working past his bookman/heart dilemma. The root of that problem had been the Panda’s own overreaction, really. If he’d just given Lavi all due respect for intelligently digesting the concept of belonging to an offshoot of humanity rather than humanity itself since, well, the age of five, everything would have been sorted out a lot earlier. Lavi’s about as good at sociology as he is at any area concerning the human psyche and if Panda hadn’t played his reluctance as an adolescent rebellion, he wouldn’t have treated it as one.

To make a long story short, Lavi figured out that he had had a decent reason for projecting himself onto poor Lenalee when she was angst-ing over Allen’s disappearance. And that he hadn’t been wrong when he said what he said to her except for taking on a tone that made her cry. Because he isn’t different from her. Or anyone. He’s not the only person in the world who has to say “good-bye” sometimes. And Bookman can tantrum about it all he likes, but he can’t hijack Lavi’s feelings and feel them for him.

So hell yes he’s going to have a great time and love Lenalee and Allen and everyone else to bits while he’s here. And when he’s not anymore, he’s going to remember them until the day he dies and feel good about it. There, heart and History both accounted for. Open door, shut door.

But of course Kanda’s wedged himself in the crack like a burglar trying to get in. And Lavi’s like the housewife inside repeatedly slamming the door on him in hopes of getting him to give up or kill him. But so far he’s hanging in there.

To cope, Lavi is spending an inordinate amount of time with Allen and Lenalee. Kanda may have lost a unhealthily large dose of self-respect for getting into this in the first place, but he’d lose it completely if the two got even an inkling of what’s going on. Lavi doesn’t worry about bugging his two friends (you’d think even they’d grump about needing some privacy as a couple) because they’re working on throwing Komui off the trail and a third wheel helps.

During the day, they all linger in very public places like the dining hall and the library. At night Lavi’s locked up with Panda doing Bookman work (it’s rather heavy--both sides are really bulking up and the end seems to be on the horizon) whilst Lenalee happily test-rides her new innocence to Allen’s window.

Therefore, Kanda’s openings for approach are rather limited. Lavi’s gambling that he’ll be able to avoid a major scene before he has to go. He’s not betting on Kanda getting over it, of course. It’d scar him to fully analyze what’s behind those looks Kanda still makes at him through the throngs of people. And other than all the ensuing complications, he doesn’t really mind all that much that the famously good-looking exorcist is into him of all people. (A shit personality puts the kibosh on even Lavi’s runaround desire, but his ego doesn’t care much about that.)

Kanda’s persistent gaze and the uncharacteristic…well, Lavi’s going to euphemize it as “yearning”… in his expression is so obvious the other two in his threesome manage to break away from each other long enough to catch it.

“Allen…darling… have you noticed that Kanda’s always looking at us?” Lenalee flushes a little from the nickname. It doesn’t come easy to her but Allen’s so over the moon about it that she refuses to give it up.

Allen gives her an appreciative grin before the meaning of the rest of her words hit him. As always, when Kanda’s name leaks into the conversation, a sliver of hatred glints in his metal-colored eyes. “I have, actually…What’s up with that?”

Lavi takes a second to let it really sink in how much Allen and Lenalee like each other for them to have missed Kanda’s eagle eye on their group until now. He goes a little fuzzy on the inside--yep, he has them pegged for a straight-out-of-war marriage, alright. Well, no, they’re still pretty young. And Komui is still bat-shit insane over his sister. But from now on he’s going to obliquely suggest a secret engagement (no harm in that, since all kids over speaking age have been arranging those since the beginning of time.) He’s going to do it lightly and teasingly, of course, but the people mad in love tend to be susceptible to subliminal messaging.

“Lavi…? Lavi, what do you think?” Lenalee prods him.

No point in letting that defunct theory go to waste-- he may have cooked it up before Kanda made himself clear by pinning him and sticking a thigh between his on that mission, but its logic has some mileage yet. And if he’s going to discourage Kanda from pursuing this, give him a fanatically devoted couple on top of everything else to deal with, and…

“I dunno, Lenalee…unless…” he lets his words dwindle down into what sounds like an authentic catch at something imprudent.

“Unless what?” Allen demands. His dislike for Kanda has him wary.

“Nah…he wouldn’t…never mind, it was nothing.”

“No really, Lavi, what?” Lenalee insists,

“I…no, there’s no point in bringing it up, let’s just go back to talking about something else…”

He’s counting on Allen being as sharp as a tack and, under the surface, disturbingly possessive of the people he likes best (Mana-akuma, anyone?). Sure enough, Allen yanks on Lavi’s sleeve a little harder than he has to to get his attention. His face is carefully angled away from Lenalee’s so Lavi’s hit full-force with the blood-chilling congeniality of Allen’s poker face.

“Come on Lavi, finish that thought, why don’t you…?”

Lavi takes a breath and fidgets a little. “Well…I just picked this up from stupid talk, you know…it’s probably nothing, didn’t even bother believin’ any of it…But well, you know these dumb stories that adults like to tell about kids, how they play it out years n’ years later…”

Allen’s innocence hand clenches on his forearm. Lavi puts his hand to his mouth in what looks like a thoughtful gesture, could be to conceal a grimace of pain, and actually hides his smile. “Go on…”Allen urges him politely.

“Well, you know how Kanda and Lenalee kind of grew up together? I got here the same time, yeah, but to tell yah the truth I didn’t hang out with em too much because I was with Bookman most of the time--he brought me here, and they kept me for a little bit each year to train me as an exorcist…”

“Yes, yes, what’s that got to do anything, Lavi?” Lenalee cuts him off impatiently.

“So, I’m sayin’, I didn’t get a chance to see for myself, but everyone says that you two were real tight as kids…Komui wasn’t here yet and you were always chasing after him like he was a big brother and askin’ him for help when you were scared n’ stuff…and they say Yuu was as cold as a kid as he is now, but that he was nice to you, and that you guys were always trainin’ together…” Lavi can feel Allen cutting off his circulation but he can ignore it.

“So, I heard from one of the maids that when you were, I dunno, eight or something--not real young but not real old--you were asking Kanda what he liked best in the Tower, n’ he said something like ‘I don’t like anything but you’ and you said back ‘Me neither’ and then you were both like ‘I guess we gotta stay together forever’ or something like that…” Lavi hesitates before adding with a hint of relish, “And a little while back, he said something to me like ‘What does she even see in that bean sprout? He came from practically nowhere…’ ”

Ok, that part’s a lie, but it’s probably not too far off from what Kanda would think about Allen and Lenalee.

“What? No. Noooo….” Lenalee big dark eyes go round. “That was… I kind of remember that. When I was really sad Kanda was the only one who let me be sad instead of trying to force me to be happy all the time. It was like he was the only one who understood because he was unhappy too. But after big brother came I started feeling a lot better and we just kind of…stopped talking that much…gosh, I hardly ever think about it now, but we were pretty close…”

“And you didn’t tell me?” Allen rounds on her in anger. At Lenalee’s stunned, wounded look, Allen seems to go into shock at his own confrontational attitude. He’s never raised his voice at his girlfriend before.

“I…I knew it would bother you because you don’t like Kanda, that’s all. I wasn’t trying to hide it, we haven’t been like that for years so I didn’t think it mattered all that much…” Lenalee blusters. But then indignation flashes across her features. “But what, I’m not entitled to maybe have liked other people before I even met you?”

“No, I…I’m sorry Lenalee, I didn’t mean it like…wait, you really DID like Kanda?!”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Yes you--”

Lavi coughs pointedly to call attention to his discomfort. Which he doesn’t really have. Lenalee was going to have to fess up about that anyways, and she couldn’t keep her natural strong-willed nature under the feminizing wraps of love forever. Similarly, Lavi knows Allen fell in love with that independent part of her before getting caught up in a mushy romance and encouraging her cutesiness--and it’s not that big of a deal, but Allen’s clinginess needs to be aired out too.

In other words, Lavi’s noticed after months of watching the kids that their internalized “perfect-couple” syndrome could use little nudge towards reality. Especially before he leaves and it blows up in their faces without him there to moderate.

Meanwhile, it might as well serve his purposes a bit too.

“Don’t get mad at er’ Allen, it’s in the past. I can say for sure I’ve never seen Lenalee look at Yuu with anything remotely close to that moony-eyed expression she has when she’s around you. And Allen, it’s not like Lenalee’s gonna leave yah or anything, you love her tons exactly because she’s so sweet that everyone else has to love her a little bit--”

“I do not--!” Lenalee starts hotly as Allen exclaims “I never said--!” And they both fall into a subdued silence. But after a moment Allen gives Lenalee a embarrassed little smile and touches her hand tentatively. She returns his look of affectionate chagrin and twines their fingers together.

“I suppose so…”Allen begins, but then he seems to remember the very immediate danger to his happiness from a very vindictive Japanese exorcist, and growls, “But who the hell does Kanda think he is, being all bitchy about something that’s none of his business? I’m going to tell him to cut it out, right now…”

“No, Allen” Lenalee chimes in. “Kanda’s being unreasonable, but you two’d just fight. I can tell him myself that I’m serious about you so he should just suck it up and let it go…”

Allen glows with surprised gratitude and starts to answer her, but Lavi jumps in first.

“Nah, nah…better to just let it run its course…so long as you two both know how you feel, he’ll get over it eventually…I mean, this is Yuu we’re talkin about, he’s gonna be stubborn for a while, that’s all…”

Allen still seems ready to go up against Mugen to tell Kanda to stay the hell away from his girl, but Lenalee nods in agreement. But she does it reluctantly, as if a problem is still weighing on her mind.

“Lavi…” she says slowly. “I mean, you’re really good at noticing things, that’s why I asked. But…”


“Don’t you think…that Kanda spends the most time looking at you?”

Lavi bows his head, brooding. “To be honest…yeah, yeah I do.”

“But…why would he--?”

“Well, no offense, but you and Allen were so damned shy. It didn’t look like either of you would ever make a move. But you liked each other so much I had to do something…”

“I remember that.” Allen puts in. “You’re the one who got us together…”

“But…Oh! So Kanda’s angry that…Oh, but that’s just mean!” Lenalee cries, bright with anger on his behalf. “Kanda’s your friend too, and you’re saying he hasn’t been nice to you ever since you helped us? Um, not nice, since…I mean…that he’s been extra rude to you? But you’re friends! You must feel…Oh, Lavi, I’m so sorry, this is all our fault…”

Lavi muffles a sigh of hurt. “Don’t say that Lenalee, you know I’m real happy for you guys…And if anything, I’m at fault for letting him make things uncomfortable for you two…I’ll talk to him…tell him to leave you guys alone, at least…maybe he’ll forgive me, but you know, these things take time with Yuu…”

“Asshole.” Allen interjects, and doesn’t look ashamed for saying in front of Lenalee.



Lavi raises a good point.

Having someone of the same sex like you is shocking. But that someone not even knowing how to “be” in that kind of relationship before approaching you about it? Yeah, Kanda wouldn’t want to be with someone that pathetic either. And besides, Kanda has a feeling Lavi telling him off about that early on was another jab at the futility of the situation. If he had any prospects at all, Lavi would have just filled him in himself when they got to it.

But Kanda’s not that bad. He may not be SURE that two guys can do things that fully qualify as…sex, but his body tells him quite mercilessly that there’s still plenty to hope for.

For example, Kanda’s never really realized he much he loathes Komui Lee and his remodeling of everything to be more impractical until Lavi and Allen come into the communal bath with him halfway done. He and Allen exchange customary dirty looks and Lavi says a short “Heya” before they step in and get down to business, washing up as they chat.

And Kanda’s mind promptly melts. At Lavi’s bare chest tan and sleek with runoff, his mouth glistening from the bath, his narrow hips teasingly skimming the water…never mind the things he wants to do to them. (Touchingkissinglicking he is so fucked.) Lavi catches Kanda’s eye a few times and makes faces before going back to talk to Allen. But he doesn’t do it in an unfriendly way.

Allen wrinkles his own nose at Lavi’s momentary distractions, but doesn’t look over at Kanda once.


“Mm, what’s up Yuu?” Lavi yawns later that night as he opens his door slightly. Kanda knows for a fact after chasing after Lavi for so long that this is the one night of the week that Bookman is gone, meeting up with Komui to collect information for his precious records.

“I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Mm, ok. Talk.” Lavi agrees matter-of-factly as he boldly throws the door open. It’s because he knows whatever Kanda says isn’t going to make a difference, Kanda thinks. They sit side-by-side on his bed together, smaller than Bookman’s on the other side even though Lavi could be twice as tall.

“How do two men have sex?” he asks bluntly.

“WHOA! Yuu!--”

“I’m asking.” Kanda interrupts him frostily. (Or as frosty as possible when this subject is already effecting his physiology.) “Because I’m that serious.”

Years of training and experience mean that Kanda’s adept at reading movements and he’s fast enough to grab the back of Lavi’s shirt and jerk him back onto the blankets.

“That’s important to you, right?” Kanda demands as Lavi sprawls, trying not to think about how this looks like the beginning to a very inappropriate scene . “You’re always talking about it. I’m saying…I want to do this with you because of how I feel. Because I…love you. And I know you, you perverted idiot, I know you’d think this over a lot more if there was something like that in it for you--”

“Hell, Yuu, there’s more to it than you being a shit lay!” Lavi blurts from his pillows. He promptly slaps his hands over his mouth, realizing that had been the wrong thing to say. “Well, I mean…” he tries to amend and comes up with nothing.

Okay. Fine. Probably not going to help. But whenever someone tells Kanda he’s a shit anything the first thing he does is go out of his way to prove them wrong. And besides, other than his exorcist uniform being strewn on a chair nearby, Lavi looks a hell of a lot like the first time Kanda went after him. Only with the added appeal of being only in his sleep clothes of a shirt and shorts, his toned legs bare.

“Ack, no!” Lavi chokes out as Kanda pins him for the second time.

There’s a tiny noise in the doorframe and Lavi looks over Kanda’s shoulder to see Allen. Judging from his gaping mouth, his mind has fit the puzzle together and simultaneously broken into itty bitty pieces . Heh. He’s always known that Allen’s a smart kid…add that to being the apprentice of the most debauched General in existence, and it makes sense that he’d be pretty quick on the uptake on all kinds of hot and heavy.

After a few second’s worth of being completely paralyzed (unless you counted turning puke green as a kind of action) Allen hastily removes his glove to activate his innocence and haul Kanda off. He can just as easily do the run-and-shove, but it looks like he’s taking a long-distance approach to avoid having to get too close. But before he can do anything, Lenalee’s head pops up beside his.

Lavi’s always been downright awed by Lenalee’s flexible joints. She streaks forward and brings her high kick right down on Kanda’s shoulder with a “WHACK!”. Kanda’s sturdier than her brother and Lenalee doesn’t have her innocence activated, so he stands his ground. But his head whips around to stare at her.

Her mouth is set firmly in a disproving little scowl.

“Stop it, Kanda! Don’t be mean to Lavi anymore! You’re interfering with everybody and that’s…that’s just rude!” She snaps with a glower. Lavi bites his tongue to stop himself from giving it away in a hysterical bout of laughter. He hasn’t seen Lenalee this feisty since her pre- “Allen-sweetie” days. Meanwhile, Allen’s face is going through a rainbow of colors, with the previous green fading to chalk white and now red enough to almost be purple.

Kanda’s almost happy when the emergency siren goes off.